Language Investigation #1: Diaries of a Desk Goddess

Every work place is a school in its own way. And like a school, the Health District of Northern Larimer County (or HD as most insiders refer to it) contained its own language, culture, and lessons. As its pupil, I studied the office lingo, abided by the dress code and gluttoned myself at several potlucks during my 2 1/2 year term as a Support Staff Specialist. What is a "Support Staff Specialist?" Well, the euphemism "Domestic Engineer" is to "Mother" as "Support Staff Specialist" is to "Glorified Secretary." Basically, I fielded calls for a payroll of 100+ employees who worked as dentists, mental health and smoking cessation counselors, dietitians, client advocates, and various other positions in finance, administration and more for our non-profit agency serving folks in the northern 2/3 of Larimer County.
But my fellow "desk goddess" and I did more than just answer phones--we mastered the language and minute details that kept the District flowing on a daily basis, Monday through Friday, 8a.m. to 5p.m. There were many departments to keep track of, and I metered and sorted mail for all of them. With rubber bands hooked to brightly colored name tags which listed abbreviations for a plethora of departments, I sent envelopes of all shapes and sizes through the humming Pitney Bowes machine: one for EVAL (Evaluations), one for PA (Prescription Assistance), one for MH/MC (Mental Health/Primary Care), one for CIT (Community Impact Team). . . .
However, our primary posse was the Health Promotions Team (HP). The HP team (not to be confused with that computer company based out of Fort Collins), could have walked off the ark with Noah because there was a pair of staff for each program: two Smoking Cessation (SC) counselors, two Registered Dietitians (RDs), and two Registered Nurses (RNs) for cholesterol screenings, all six led by one Coordinator. I soon became part of this dysfunctional (and loving!) family.
Shortly following my initial placement date with the temp agency, I was learning the secret code words of the many databases we worked in. One of the first databases I learned was Dentrix (also used by our dental clinic, one building over, or el proximo edificio--I used and learned basic Spanish to assist some of our clients). Dentrix was like a huge calendar where I could put in codes to schedule HP team provider appointments. For instance, I learned that by selecting the code SC (along with a tone of other codes I can't fit into this investigation), I could schedule a client to meet with a Smoking Cessation counselor. If I entered the code Nut, I could schedule a client for an appointment with a Nutritionist or Registered Dietitian, and so on. After a client ended a visit, we printed out a slip called a "Walk-Out" from Dentrix. If the client was going to make a payment, we would enter the payment on our ledger in Dentrix.
The other database the "desk goddesses" used was called HD (for Health District), a royal pain in the butt because it held thousands more clients than it was originally programmed to hold; the excess clients caused a glitch in the database so that I couldn't just look a client up by last name--I had to search by first name, date of birth, client chart number, or social security number, if I was lucky. For this database, we had special codes for entering client information and recording provider visits.
In addition to using HD and Dentrix, we used specific forms to document client information and services. For instance, when a client came to visit a provider, the "desk goddesses" would prepare "Route Slips" with client information, including name, chart number, counseling session number (some of our programs came in "six packs" and "four packs"), client's level (we used a "Sliding Fee" chart based on gross monthly income and household size to determine), and if the client came for the Smoking Cessation program, how many dispensions of NRT he had (NRT stood for Nicotine Replacement Treatment--free gum, lozenges, and patches we issued with the counseling).
Another form we used and data entered was the "Lipid Panel." The Lipid Panel was a carbon copied form that clients could take with them once interpreted by a Registered Nurse at our off-site, bi-weekly cholesterol screenings using our Cholestek machines and a finger stick. I had to familiarize myself with such terminology as Total Cholesterol, Triglycerides, HDL (good cholesterol), LDL (bad cholesterol), Glucose, and Systolic and Diastolic Blood Pressure. The "goddesses" kept a roster with the names of 14 to 50 (50--if the clinic was held at the CSU Wellness Zone) people who pre-registered for the clinic. I was lucky enough to call ALL of these individuals the day before the clinic was held to provide them, robot style, with the following script:

Hello, this is Erika from the Health District.
I am calling for Johnny Depp to remind him
that he has a cholesterol screening scheduled for 9:00 a.m.
on Thursday, February 12 at the Senior Center
located at 1200 Raintree Drive.
Here are some important instructions:
Do not eat for 12 hours before the test.
Drink plenty of water but nothing else.
You can take medications and vitamins,
but do not take cough drops, cough syrups, mints or gum.
Your charge will be $15 or the sliding fee, payable by cash or check only
because we have checked you before.
If you have questions regarding this message or need to reschedule,
please contact me at 224-++++.
We are open Mon-Fri, 8:00a.m. to 5:00p.m.

Needless to say, it was quite challenging leaving my entire spiel on an answering machine that cut out, like every 2 seconds.
The HD language also extended to agencies where we referred clients who needed services we didn't provide. For instance, if a client needed a doctor, we referred him to Salud clinic or Family Medicine Center. If the client needed testing for an STD or wanted to report a case of food poisoning from McDonald's, I gave him the number to the Health Department. If he needed to apply for Medicaid or CHP+ (Child Health Plan Plus), I would give him the number to Human Services, and so forth.
Finally, an introduction to the language of the Health District would not be complete without an explanation of some terms I learned from "Camp Bristlecone" (a fun, employee training put together by HR to boost morale and team building; Bristlecone is the street the HD is located on). One thing I learned was the definition of the DISC personality profile. Each letter stands for a different workplace personality type characteristic: D=Dominance, I=Influence, S=Steadiness, and C=Conscientious. We even took a test to determine which characteristic each one of us most embodied (I was an SC combination). Months before I took the test, most of the seasoned staff walked around saying some gobbledygook like, "Well, I feel like I need to be in control because I'm a D" or "I need to work as a team because I'm an I." I quickly discovered that my boss was a D. She often used her "D-ness" to excuse her behavior for calling in sick, coming in at noon everyday, taking three hour lunches and teaching us how to "Do as I say, not as I do." It's interesting how language is manipulated. . . .